Nell goes to the mountains

Here is Nell on her first vacation to the mountains... from her stoic expression it's difficult to get a true read on what she was thinking. I will have to find someway to convey her excitement. For now.... This is Stella Martinez 

stella martinez gets a job

God, I have been away for so long. Anyway... got the Grand Junction job which, of course, is great but winning any competition raises the question in my mind... why is our culture, our world structured on winning and losing? When did this paradigm come on the human scene? You think the first cave people, while out hunting for that wooly mammoth dinner special, made a distinction between the tracker and the shooter? No doubt. You can't survive on tracking dreams... you need the hard fact of calorie count to get a tribe through the winter .... so thus begins the paridigm ...then the Athenians, Spartans, Incas, Mayans polish the concept and Western civ securely embeds it onto the double helix of our genetic coding which eventually leads to millions of job opportunities for therapists who spend all day attempting to remedy the affliction of being a loser. As Casey Stengel puts it, "Without losers, where would the winners be"? See what I mean?

While I was relishing in our prospects of creating two murals I was also mourning for the other contender .... even though his proposal was tragic and would have done a huge disservice to the community to have installed it...I still felt sad for him... knowning oh too well that gut wrenching punch that comes from rejection. Rejection is to the human spirit what rain is to a down quilt.... smothering... and either you drown from the weight of it, move to another climate where you don't need it or get real comfortable snuggleing up with the dank.... which has its own set of limitations so you invest in anti-fungal creams, mold minimizers, plastic sheets, pray for a warm sunny day to air out.... it's exhausting.

stella takes Nell on her first vacation

Winston Churchill said that "success is experiencing failure upon failure and maintaining your enthusiasm throughout." That dittie resonates throughout my career. When I heard it I could relate immediately which made me realize I was too familiar with the experience... My personal awareness leads me to the realization that there is a thin line between optimism and denial. It's preferable to believe that sanctity and understanding waits around the next corner but when do you tap yourself on the shoulder and say, which corner big girl? You've been turning left for a long time now. I must be wary of cynicism and sentimentality...it's too easy to morph into sancitimonious... all are enalving..trap doors that lead to spike ladened pits waiting to impale the unsuspecting and overly sensitive. So straddle that line while never ever ever ever give up and try real hard not to slit that wrist.

Took Nell over to Grand Junction for an art presentation.... Tomas and I were finalists for a series of murals to be made for two schools. Not a big job but a job neverthesless and... lordygordy knows...public art is such a crap shoot so just apply for everything. Besides, it has been ages since we did the vacation, get out of town, get out of your head kind of get away... it was time.

The presentation was held at the GJ convention center and the other finalist was the first to present. We were called in while he was answering individual questions and packing up his samples. Moving to the table with the powerpoint projector setup, I notice his drawings splayed everywhere... which was different since committees like to keep the other ideas secret.... and my mind starts rushing like grand rapids, sweeping over all that I am seeing and holy shit... it is fucking clip art of basketballs, softballs, footballs, a barbell... and I'm thinking good god he took the committee's concepts literally... yea they do sports here but.... so I'm riding high happy because our design is conceptually on the other end of the spectrum ....and yet... caution prevails because Tomas and I have also been doing this for far too long to forget the manymany times concepts I thought belonged in the trash became the winning entry.

I give my speel, we all talk... I remind them how this is the opportunity to select a piece that will reach beyond the boundary of signage ... live in the abstract.... their faces are like blank wallpaper... I wonder if I should have worn my push-up bra... should have bought a push-up bra... this public art world is a bitch... brokering real estate or selling cloned corn cobs ... anything but this impossible world where my fianacial wellbeing dangles in the balance of an art committee who thinks 'cute' constitutes an artistic statement.... sweet jesus...and you know those two jocks in the room want a mural they can relate to. We collect our materials in one sweep, leave the samples, and gracefully exit the room turning to give one more go-for-the-vision smile. I'll keep you posted.

stella martinez gets a line

Ummm... here I am... middle age, middle class, and midway in my career, straddeling between a cathartic artistic blowout and the desire to take up residency in my bathtub. What does this mean? Uncertainty and confusion, elation and configuration. And now, for the first time in my life, I am in my possession of my own computer....a laptop, no less. This brings new meaning to that part of my lap that pooches up at the top of my thighs.

I can already tell that I am going to have a love affair with my laptop, whom I have affectionately named Nell, once I get over my initial disappointment. Which is, Nell is not going to have a designated access password. This depressing tidbit of information was dropped on me by my two techno gurus, Jacksonian and Tomas, who both claimed that a password would be superfulous, inconsequential and not necessary. My protest and surprise was met with an incredulous shrug of the shoulders and a smirk that implies, Why would you need one? Why bother? This is like telling Alibaba as he stands before the magic cave that he can bypass his famous Open Seasame line. Just bring in a crane and pry that sucker open...Or akin to driving up to NORAD and winking at the guard for admittance and he swings open the gate with a smile. This is the age of Terrorism and television... blind fear weds contrived imagination....passwords are as necessary as proteins... they are the building blocks of secrecy... a password means there is something to protect. .. something worthy enough to hide. But alas, I don't insist and watch passively as the vision of some determined detective, furtive husband or dejected lover clandestinely opening my computer, scouring the room, frantically looking for some clue to the hidden combination that will unlock my cyber identity.... trying three, four, ten times and then... ah ha... Abracadabra... the flicker and flare to my inner most mystery.....I watch as all this gets erased, pretending it's no big deal. But Nell ...I can only imagine what is racing between her electrons and vibrations... the disappointment of realizing she has been partnered to a woman who will never enter information worthy of protecting. Oh dear, less than one week into the relationship and already I've got to make it up to her....

this is a test

this is a test.... warning this is a test only ..... do not run to your basement, do not slip into your bed.... stay conscious... this is only a test....